Flicker

December 5, 2010

My impending, long-awaited layoff is only several weeks away when i will be forced from the womb, of what i call my first Big Girl Job, screaming my way into a world of unknowns.  Though I have had many jobs, this is the one that has sustained my lifestyle of traveling and home ownership, survival really in the post-collegiate “real” world.

For over a year i have been worrying about this next phase of my life.  Should i relocate?  Do i have the strength [and financial means] to leave my first house?  Do i abandon the 10 years of experience i’ve gained for something completely different?  Do i go back to school and finish the degree i ran from out of frustration?  It’s like i’m graduating all over again and need to make HUGE decisions that could, will, affect the rest of my life.

It’s hard to stay positive, to believe that everything will be okay when walls seems to be falling down all around you.  I am generally optimistic, though this year has really tested its depths, so i know in some intangible, cosmic way, i’ll be okay.  I’ll make sacrifices.  I’ll survive.  Maintaining that disposition is difficult.  And even if i do find work, will it make me just as content as this one has?  Will it challenge me to learn new concepts?  Change constantly so i don’t get bored?  Will i feel comfortable approaching my boss and immediate managers?

Today i experienced my first true excitement towards what lay beyond the Big Layoff.  After scheduling a phone interview for a position, one i’m still uncertain of as i was so excited i completely forgot to ask, i allowed my mind to fantasize about what it might be like to work in a new office, with new people, new cube decor, a new chair fit just for me.  It was a refreshing daydream, because for just those few moments, i had a flicker of hope, a flicker of a life beyond this threadbare one.

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