It Is Finished

December 27, 2010

The Funeral by Band of Horses has been stuck on repeat in my head for several months now.  The lament seems to mirror this year’s struggles.  So much death. Literal and figurative.

It’s been over a week since my life went from full-time to zero employment.  The holidays were a nice fluffy cover to snuggle under in hopes of subverting the harsh reality of what the future holds . . . or may not hold.  I still haven’t quite grasped the absoluteness of being laid off.  Instead of facing my demons i ran towards the warmer climate of a parental sanctuary, hoping for healing.

My last day was frustrating.  I had a few small tasks to finish–turn on out-of-office mail, remove my name from the various automatically generated e-mail lists, delete files off my lappy, verify two files had been uploaded successfully–but when i walked into the building to find a hoard of familiar maintenance guys standing in front of the elevators, i sensed i would not be able to have the closure i desired.

It wasn’t that i had to carry my lazy butt up the stairs to the third floor because the elevators were down (as they often made a habit of doing so), that thwarted my goal of leaving in peace, but that the entire building was without power.  Of all the days the world decided to challenge my temperament, this day was not one in which i was mentally equipped to properly fight back.  All i wanted was a tiny bit of satisfaction that i’d  crossed all Ts and dotted all Is.

But for some reason, i was denied this satisfaction.  Why? I don’t know.  Maybe i never will.  Maybe this life was meant to teach me to learn to let go and not worry so much.  And as one coworker said, a year from now we’ll probably look back and realize this was the best thing that could have happened.

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