January 12, 2011

Have you ever been away from home so long you begin to think of the new place as home and the world you left becomes somewhat of a dream?  A life you remember, but doesn’t seem real.  You begin to forget, living in a dream world, watching the old life drift away.  A dream that seems so far away you can’t ever imagine going back to it.  You forget what you cared about, who your friends were. You are now lost in another dream world reverting back to the you that was untouched by worldly hands, back to innocence, before corruption.

When you reach a certain point, you stop being that former you and begin the metamorphosis of a new you, slowly adapting to your new surroundings, forming new habits, pushing the corners and flattening the folds until you fit in comfortably.  You adjust little by little until the former you is no longer and a new you has sprouted.  You stop missing the old life and wonder how you ever lived it.  Friends fade away like the finished pages of books collecting dust on the shelf.

Sometimes you dream of that life, wish you could have it back and weep that it can never be again.  You begin to see yourself again, begin to dream, not just in sleep, but in waking life, too.  You break, cracking the shell of what was into a thousand pieces that can never be put back together quite the same way.

I don’t remember who i was.  There was a point at which i longed for home, but i don’t even remember why i liked it so much or wanted to return.  What was the point of that life?  What is the point of this life?  What will be there waiting when i return?  Normalcy?  Boredom?  The life i dreamed about in high school, but lost sight of in college?  Where did i go?  How am i supposed to go back?  Won’t people see the corruption?  They will have forgotten how hard i tried to be good.  Now the evil inside is so apparent and too strong to fight against.


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